yelling on the phone does NOT work

chel-chel (L) + ellie (R) in park on beautiful november '11 day

 who the hell said that marriage would be easy??  if they did say that, they're LYING!!  it takes a lot of hard work, consideration, selflessness, patience, and most importantly, plenty of love. LOTS.  i've realized how i'm in no position to be criticizing others on their marriages or failed marriage (i.e., kim kardashian + kris humphries).  you'll get no judgment here, because people don't understand how difficult and challenging marriage can sometimes be, especially if you don't see eye-to-eye on important things.  the 'small stuff' can get to you at times; but it should never be my reason to end things.  i'm prefacing everything that i'm about to say with a fact:  i love my husband, M.  baby, if you're reading this, i hope i'm blowing-up your phone enough to remind of that ultimate fact.  sorry:  you're stuck with me for life, hon.  tough crap.
now, let's talk about this insane month of november.  no matter how you may feel about keanu reeves or charlize theron, i've always loved the sappy movie they did several years ago, sweet november.  >>>made me cry too much the first several times i saw it in the movies, and i dare say, i'm not watching it again because of that.  i've had enough issues and real events to cry about, i don't need to be sappy about the fake ones.  anyways what i was getting at, was that this november blew:  big time blew!  it's been quite an emotional rollercoaster year of 2011, i just thought it didn't get any worse (depending on which vantage point you're seeing this from).  the following are a few of my reasons why:


#1.  my only living grandparent, lolo J, died a week before thanksgiving (see funeral, family & food).  mom, D, & cousin E made an emergency trip back to the philippines for the funeral arrangements & such.  it was too soon for dad after his major cancer surgery to be traveling to a place that's exactly 'sterile.'  with this development of lolo's death and the stress of not being able to be with my family during the bereavement & memorial, i was emotionally wasted.  i had nothing.  i think i was just so 'wasted' from going through the insanity of dad's sickness and surgery, that i didn't have any more reserve of sanity.  so i lost it.  literally.  i was in a lecture when mom called me with the news and i had to excuse myself to answer the call in the hall, where i crumbled to the floor and cried.  i didn't know i had anymore crocodile tears, but apparently i did because in a matter of minutes, my entire face was wet.  i had to leave to go home to be with my dogs (oh yes, that's plural) because that was the only connection i felt to my family away from me (including my husband in the east coast).  stage 1 of the grieving process, denial, hit me hard and fast.  i immediately went headstrong into stage 2 (anger) and blew-up at M on the phone.  i lost my crap so fast over the phone, i don't even remember all the 'spoken vomit' i said (i think i may have said 'divorce' once or twice or thrice), except the meanest thing i've ever said to my husband (will not repeat...EVER!) to which i followed it up with a hang-up.  i think our neighbors upstairs must've thought there was something going on 'domestically' because i was so blatantly loud in our duplex.  i didn't talk to M until well into the next day.  i apparently was still furious enough to go to bed without making-up with him.

• lesson from #1.  don't let the sun set on your anger (it's in the Bible, paraphrased of course.  look it up)

#2.  next thing to be upset about, was the 'split-up' of the family during thanksgiving.  as long as i could remember (except for the 2 thanksgivings i spent in europe.  i vetoed 'family time' for 'ex-boyfriend time' and boy, do i regret those choices), thanksgiving has always been our family's holiday to be together.  eversince i started working in my early twenties, i've always known myself and my family members (being in the clinical world) to work christmas so that we could have thanksgiving and new year's off:  thanksgiving for family and new year's for traveling or partying.  as a family, we always had thanksgiving to look forward too...and black friday.  this year, it would be just the 3 of us:  dad, M + me.  i missed my brothers and mom, but when was i suppose to act like a big girl and suck it up?  crap happens.  no need to be a big baby about it; but i still was.  at least for a split second...or a little bit more.

• lesson from #2.  cherish all moments you share with family.  there might not be a next time in this earth.

#3.  it's hard being a 'new parent' all over again.  i'm referring to puppy-rearing.  i can't tell you how many times (earlier this month), i was so sleep-deprived from ellie's (the then-12-week-old lab puppy) constant barking and pissing and crapping EVERYWHERE!  i thought i was going to lose my mind and sanity all in the same basket; but, i didn't.  i found out that my threshold for barking tolerance can be higher, an ultrasonic bark detector is a must, and abruptly changing foods on a puppy may not be the smartest thing to do.  as the days and weeks went by, ellie + i got use to a particular walk (crapping/pissing) + feeding schedules that would make both of us happier.  or at least, me less sleep-deprived.  i was getting to be an angry 'mother' and crazy wife, functioning on cleaning supply fumes and 2-hour sleeps, if ellie's settling-in period was going to take any longer.  now, she makes some mistakes at times, but she's learning and loves bothering her older 'sibling,' chel-chel.

• lesson from #3.  puppies are wonderful additions to any family.  as long as you have patience, love and lots of paper towels, you'll get by.

mommy's (me) view, walking the girls

#4.  aside from finals this month (december), november is a toilet full of &%*^ when it comes to graduate school:  everything is due!  what the hell happened to mid-terms in october?  i had only one exam in october and for some reason, the professors sensed that november (even with holiday break) would be an ideal time to put down the sledgehammer of homework assignments due.  this is not the teachers' faults.  it was the same way last year and i had different professors then.  i blame the system.  hell, i blame anything now because i'm realizing how much stuff i really had to do.

• lesson from #4.  don't start yelling at your husband if you were the one who procrastinated and decided to do your research, studying, and typing papers last minute.  it's your own frackin' fault.

oh yes, just a number of the reasons why november blew, but i got through it alright:  thanksgiving holiday was nice because i got to spend time with dad and learn how to make vegan meals (see link); my hubby + i made-up because i was finally leaving stage 2 of grieving; and i love ellie just as much as i heart chel-chel (it's a helluva lot).  i just hope december won't be such a b...