some things i learned during our 1st year

civil ceremony picture at city hall: 2.11.2011

february 11th last  year (also Dad's birthday), we hauled our butts to the Hagerstown, mD city hall from Baltimore-Washington Int'l airport to do our civil ceremony a month before our church wedding.  in attendance were both moms and a good friend of mine, T and her daughter.  it felt kinda strange to say the generic vows that we repeated after the county clerk in the inky-dinky room they do all their civil ceremonies.  i don't know if it was my nerves or the size of the place because i felt almost claustrophobic.  plus, my voice cracked when i repeated the vows to M.  i suppose it was practice for our church wedding; but still...it felt exciting, a little overwhelming and yet euphoric to be pronounced 'man and wife.'  at the time, i think i was overwhelmed with grad school, planning a wedding, and living so far away from my then-fiance.  one year later, i've learned several things about what it really means to be that:  man and wife.
1.  you not only need to love each other, but LIKE each other as well

where we celebrated feb. 2011

one year later, we found ourselves celebrating a more low-key feb. 11th (civil) anniversary since we wanted to focus more on Dad's "big one" birthday in Calif.  we had thrown ourselves a little get-together with friends the week before, so we weren't going to make a big deal about our 1-year.  but even if that was the case, M + i still knew that we had a milestone under our belt:  after living mostly apart during our 1st year of marriage, we still made it!  most importantly, we still really REALLY like each other after the fantasy, planning  & hoopla of a 'destination' wedding back East.  the excitement of a wedding day is thrilling, but what's more important are the day-to-day things that make the 'us' cohesive.

anniversary collage made by M

my bridal bouquet at city hall from mom-in-law

2.  sometimes it's best when my husband ignores what comes out of my mouth
after a wonderful weekend of sailing, being with family, and eating lots of scrumptious food, at the end of the day, all i wanted to do was kiss my husband.  we told each other that there would not be any anniversary gifts since we have been saving for our belated honeymoon, but there were beautiful cards for our 1-year celebration and for V-day.  M also made this beautiful collage of our little family along with a map of our honeymoon destinations, including a travel guide of ItaLy, to add to my overflowing travel book collection at home.  M doesn't always listen to me, but i love it when he doesn't, especially when it involves gifts.  me = s-p-o-i-l-e-d.
3.  marriage is more than just a 'piece of legal paperwork'
i hate it when he leaves.  though we've seen each other every weekend this month (a whopping THREE times!!), it just doesn't seem enough.  yup, i'm the first to complain that living apart sucks; but we both realize it's this short-term, heart-wrenching sacrifice we have to make for a better future.  i cry every time we have to do the goodbyes to each other.  with this past year's stressful events, the physical distance between us, and everything else included in getting adjusted as a married couple vs. a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  when people tell you that 'they mean the same thing,' they're lying or don't know what they're talking about:  it's not the same.  i've been in long-distance relationships before, but nothing compares to what M + i are doing now.  marriage means so much more:  you make decisions based on 'us' versus just 'me.'  you are accountable not only to yourself but to your spouse.  what you do personally affects your husband or wife.  like i said, it's not the same.  yeah, there are legal ramifications associated with marriage, but what this institution is much greater than what a piece of paper says.
4.  compromise
don't get me wrong:  it's not all rose-colored glasses, people.  we argue about the 'usual marriage stuff' and we make-up.  we have pet peeves, but we continue to strive on replenishing our reserves of patience.  we continually admit how imperfect we are as people; but the beautiful thing about being married to the right person is that at the end of the day, you continue to work on listening, laughing, forgiving and loving.  

messing around at Sushi House, Alameda, CA

don't get me wrong:  it's not all rose-colored glasses, people.  we argue about the 'usual marriage stuff' and we make-up.  we have pet peeves, but we continue to strive on replenishing our reserves of patience.  we continually admit how imperfect we are as people; but the beautiful thing about being married to the right person is that at the end of the day, you continue to work on listening, laughing, forgiving and loving.  that's the honest truth.  our 'honeymoon phase' was short-lived with the personal trials M + i have gone through together this past year.  it's no one's fault, really.  crap happens.  if you continue to lie to yourself and think that being married is some kind of fantasy with well-mannered kids, trained dogs, a constantly smiling wife and a husband who always remembers to take the trash out, you are so misled.  a strong and happy marriage takes lots of work.  granted, you can't do it on your own strength, so that's why i pray all the time.  if left to my own devices, i'd demand 'my way' for most decisions.  but you can't do that if you're married.  compromise is a must in any family, especially in those difficult conversations with your spouse.  you may feel (even for a split second) that you are 'losing out,' but when it's all said and done, you both win.

5.  don't take yourself too seriously
those who personally know me, know that i'm generally a Type A, serious person.  i didn't really have my own 'inside jokes,' until i met M.  my husband makes me laugh, even when i'm upset or angry:  through my tears, i end up LOL-ing when M purposefully says something funny.  when we first started dating, i found his humorous comments annoying when i was upset.  i thought, 'why isn't he not comforting me?'  as the years have gone by, we've learned more about each other:  he gets uncomfortable when i get teary-eyed (regardless of the reason) and i need to be held when i get the waterworks going or i raise my voice because i'm pissed.  after the 3 years of practicing (& getting to know each other), we've figured out our niche:  he hugs me when i cry and i calm down and laugh when M cracks a joke.  both our needs get met:  he gets to practice his stand-up comedy and i relax. i've learned to laugh more at myself and with M than i have with any other person in this world.  it's a good thing i ended-up with him.
6.  you cannot forget about God
one of the things that decorate our STL bedroom is a shadowbox of our handwritten/typed-out wedding vows we both wrote to say (promise) to each other on our wedding day.  the common theme in both of our vows is God.  M + i realize we suck at being perfect individuals.  we don't have the know-how or expertise to be just that.  and what a disaster our marriage would be if both of us (independent adults, use to doing we personally please) didn't take into account that there is a 3rd Entity in our marriage:  Jesus.  i know, many of you may not be religious or spiritual, but this is what M + i have found as 'glue' to our marriage:  our faith.  every morning when i wake up to seeing those vows on the wall, i am reminded of what my human promise as a wife means minus God = nothing. zilch.  we may not remember to do our Bible studies or Love Dare together every day, but we continue to pray for ourselves and each other.  the 'us' would never had made it through the rubbish we've had to battle this past year without Jesus in our home and in our lives.  that's really our 'secret.'  and that's always enough.

yelling on the phone does NOT work

chel-chel (L) + ellie (R) in park on beautiful november '11 day

 who the hell said that marriage would be easy??  if they did say that, they're LYING!!  it takes a lot of hard work, consideration, selflessness, patience, and most importantly, plenty of love. LOTS.  i've realized how i'm in no position to be criticizing others on their marriages or failed marriage (i.e., kim kardashian + kris humphries).  you'll get no judgment here, because people don't understand how difficult and challenging marriage can sometimes be, especially if you don't see eye-to-eye on important things.  the 'small stuff' can get to you at times; but it should never be my reason to end things.  i'm prefacing everything that i'm about to say with a fact:  i love my husband, M.  baby, if you're reading this, i hope i'm blowing-up your phone enough to remind of that ultimate fact.  sorry:  you're stuck with me for life, hon.  tough crap.
now, let's talk about this insane month of november.  no matter how you may feel about keanu reeves or charlize theron, i've always loved the sappy movie they did several years ago, sweet november.  >>>made me cry too much the first several times i saw it in the movies, and i dare say, i'm not watching it again because of that.  i've had enough issues and real events to cry about, i don't need to be sappy about the fake ones.  anyways what i was getting at, was that this november blew:  big time blew!  it's been quite an emotional rollercoaster year of 2011, i just thought it didn't get any worse (depending on which vantage point you're seeing this from).  the following are a few of my reasons why:


#1.  my only living grandparent, lolo J, died a week before thanksgiving (see funeral, family & food).  mom, D, & cousin E made an emergency trip back to the philippines for the funeral arrangements & such.  it was too soon for dad after his major cancer surgery to be traveling to a place that's exactly 'sterile.'  with this development of lolo's death and the stress of not being able to be with my family during the bereavement & memorial, i was emotionally wasted.  i had nothing.  i think i was just so 'wasted' from going through the insanity of dad's sickness and surgery, that i didn't have any more reserve of sanity.  so i lost it.  literally.  i was in a lecture when mom called me with the news and i had to excuse myself to answer the call in the hall, where i crumbled to the floor and cried.  i didn't know i had anymore crocodile tears, but apparently i did because in a matter of minutes, my entire face was wet.  i had to leave to go home to be with my dogs (oh yes, that's plural) because that was the only connection i felt to my family away from me (including my husband in the east coast).  stage 1 of the grieving process, denial, hit me hard and fast.  i immediately went headstrong into stage 2 (anger) and blew-up at M on the phone.  i lost my crap so fast over the phone, i don't even remember all the 'spoken vomit' i said (i think i may have said 'divorce' once or twice or thrice), except the meanest thing i've ever said to my husband (will not repeat...EVER!) to which i followed it up with a hang-up.  i think our neighbors upstairs must've thought there was something going on 'domestically' because i was so blatantly loud in our duplex.  i didn't talk to M until well into the next day.  i apparently was still furious enough to go to bed without making-up with him.

• lesson from #1.  don't let the sun set on your anger (it's in the Bible, paraphrased of course.  look it up)

#2.  next thing to be upset about, was the 'split-up' of the family during thanksgiving.  as long as i could remember (except for the 2 thanksgivings i spent in europe.  i vetoed 'family time' for 'ex-boyfriend time' and boy, do i regret those choices), thanksgiving has always been our family's holiday to be together.  eversince i started working in my early twenties, i've always known myself and my family members (being in the clinical world) to work christmas so that we could have thanksgiving and new year's off:  thanksgiving for family and new year's for traveling or partying.  as a family, we always had thanksgiving to look forward too...and black friday.  this year, it would be just the 3 of us:  dad, M + me.  i missed my brothers and mom, but when was i suppose to act like a big girl and suck it up?  crap happens.  no need to be a big baby about it; but i still was.  at least for a split second...or a little bit more.

• lesson from #2.  cherish all moments you share with family.  there might not be a next time in this earth.

#3.  it's hard being a 'new parent' all over again.  i'm referring to puppy-rearing.  i can't tell you how many times (earlier this month), i was so sleep-deprived from ellie's (the then-12-week-old lab puppy) constant barking and pissing and crapping EVERYWHERE!  i thought i was going to lose my mind and sanity all in the same basket; but, i didn't.  i found out that my threshold for barking tolerance can be higher, an ultrasonic bark detector is a must, and abruptly changing foods on a puppy may not be the smartest thing to do.  as the days and weeks went by, ellie + i got use to a particular walk (crapping/pissing) + feeding schedules that would make both of us happier.  or at least, me less sleep-deprived.  i was getting to be an angry 'mother' and crazy wife, functioning on cleaning supply fumes and 2-hour sleeps, if ellie's settling-in period was going to take any longer.  now, she makes some mistakes at times, but she's learning and loves bothering her older 'sibling,' chel-chel.

• lesson from #3.  puppies are wonderful additions to any family.  as long as you have patience, love and lots of paper towels, you'll get by.

mommy's (me) view, walking the girls

#4.  aside from finals this month (december), november is a toilet full of &%*^ when it comes to graduate school:  everything is due!  what the hell happened to mid-terms in october?  i had only one exam in october and for some reason, the professors sensed that november (even with holiday break) would be an ideal time to put down the sledgehammer of homework assignments due.  this is not the teachers' faults.  it was the same way last year and i had different professors then.  i blame the system.  hell, i blame anything now because i'm realizing how much stuff i really had to do.

• lesson from #4.  don't start yelling at your husband if you were the one who procrastinated and decided to do your research, studying, and typing papers last minute.  it's your own frackin' fault.

oh yes, just a number of the reasons why november blew, but i got through it alright:  thanksgiving holiday was nice because i got to spend time with dad and learn how to make vegan meals (see link); my hubby + i made-up because i was finally leaving stage 2 of grieving; and i love ellie just as much as i heart chel-chel (it's a helluva lot).  i just hope december won't be such a b...

TWO anniversary dates...why not??!?

all because of a dating site IM, star treK movie, & a plane ticket to sT. louiS, i married my best friend, MZ...TWICE.  why, yes, i have two anniversaries.  nothing better than that, except having to remember more dates.  and we thought it was only a "guy thing."


the husband (MZ) & i met almost 2 years ago while we both lived in the waShingtoN, dC area.  nothing too dramatic at the beginning.  it was only suppose to be another one of those killing-me-slowly-kind-of-online-dating first dates.  it was memorial day weekend, a humid saturday night, and nothing to do.  wanted to see a movie but wasn't so sure if i wanted to go alone.  soooo, i had this online dating profile (won't tell you which dating site, becuz i'd need to get paid before that happens) and decided to see what was going on.  honestly, i was going to read some of the success stories of online dating, in hopes that osmosis would take place and i'd actually meet a great guy.  wasn't happening lately.  bummer.  until i got this IM from this guy (MZ) i had never communicated with on the online site.  we bantered with the typical small-talk that happens on dating sites ("how are you?" "what are you up to?" "can we e-mail each other?").  i wasn't too excited at first:  maybe it was the fact MZ was 2 years younger than me (i had preferred older guys) or that i was going to cancel my profile on the site or i had the holiday weekend off (i'm in healthcare and it's rare) and nothing to do.  all my previous dates from the site had ended-up with any of the following types of men:  desperate boys, womanizers, whiners, sex-addicts, or non-committers.  i was over it when MZ had IM'd me.  within 5 minutes, i gave him my number (side note:  never, ever do, ladies!) and we talked for another 15 on the phone.  in under an hour, we met at the movie theater to see "star trek" the movie.  not an ideal 1st date, but it worked.  


we dated for a year...then it ended.  abruptly.  i could tell you all the not-so-pleasant things that happened to cause it to end, but i won't.  it just wasn't pleasant.  then i moved away late last summer from the eastern seaboard and started graduate school in sainT LouiS.  i had begun seeing someone else during the summer in dC and continued the relationship long-distance when i moved to the miDwesT; but it got rocky soon after i moved.  it just wasn't going to work out.  it was going to end but i wasn't exactly sure how i was going to do it or how i was going to cope with another break-up: TWO failed relationships in 2010.  i was over getting hurt or being sad.  so i did the next best thing:  i ignored and avoided the impending future, so i stayed in the relationship.  call me pathetic, but i just wanted to make it to 1.1.11 without everyone who saw my love life as an epic failure in adult relationships.  i just wanted to survive the year out and then make the decision to end it later.


since MZ & i had such a bitter break-up, we had not communicated to each other for months.  he had no idea where i was at.  then sepTemBer rolled around and it was MZ' birthday.  so i sent him a two-liner email wishing him a happy birthday and happiness.  that was it.  MZ emailed & called back (couldn't believe he still had my number), but never got a hold of me till later that week.  a 3-hr phone conversation w/ MZ led to him buying a plane ticket to 'the Lou' (what we affectionately call sainT LouiS out here) to see me that weekend.  his goal was simple:  to win me back.  MZ hates flying with a passion.  if he could, he would've done the steamboat from the baLtimoRe harBor along the easT coasT, around fLorida, & up the miSSiSSippi RiveR to sT. LouiS if he could.  it's amazing he even came (on a plane), fully knowing that i was in a serious relationship with someone else.


again, that ocTobeR weekend was eye-opening.  MZ' visit showed what a hard-ass i can be sometimes:  i avoided every conversation that involved the former "us" and tried to keep it light and shallow.  a total "guy move" from me, but MZ meant business, so he brought it up during a time i couldn't avoid it. let's just say his persistence is admirable (boys, take note) and his sincerity was golden.  but i wasn't going to budge:  we were never going to get back together.  when i took him to the airport, MZ knew that there was no chance for us.  ever.  until the point i watched him disappear into the sea of people going through TSA checks, i realized my face was wet:  i was crying.  i didn't realize what those tears meant at the time.  but then i figured it out soon after.  in less than 2 weeks from that moment, i ended my relationship w/ PouTer (my ex- now).  took some time, but MZ & i got back together.


fast forward to now:  we got engaged during thankSgivinG weekend last year while visiting my folks out in CaLifoRnia and found my wedding dress the next day.  we went through our civil ceremony on my father's birthday in FeBruarY and we had our wedding ceremony on the first day of spring this year.  it's been a whirlwind, mind you.  but a beautiful tornado at least.


if you had asked me TWO years ago that i would be married (TWICE:  the civil then the church) now, i would've said you were smokin' crack.  i was satisfied being singleton and "serial dater" for awhile.  but now, almost 60 days into it, i've traded in my "miss" status to be a "missus."  this, my friends, is my journey into the beautiful unknown...and i'm loving it.