Holiday Cheer: Christmas baking, cooking, love & anxiety

chocolate sponge cake, dk choc frosting w/ red sprinkles, powdered sugar

dogs thinking: "is it Christmas yet?  and why can't we have chocolate cake?"

1st batch of the holiday: undecorated sugar cookies

Christmas tree cookie.  yes, it was yummy!

Four days before Christmas, M flew in from DC to help with the drive from St. Louis back to Maryland.  We weren't planning to leave until the day before Christmas Eve, so that would allow us time to share a bit more private Christmas dinner with just the two of us and our dogs in the Lou.

I spent the week prior to Christmas baking and cooking.  M + I planned our following special Christmas dinner menu:

• ·      roasted chicken (for M)
• ·      vegetarian duck (for me)
• ·      homemade mashed potatoes
• ·      homemade candied yams
• ·      fresh salad
• ·      homemade cheesecake
• ·      Welch's sparkling white grape juice

individual homemade cheesecakes: marble & regular-flavored

I setout to make sure all we were making was going to be delicious.  I hadn't made homemade cheesecake in almost a decade but that's what M wanted for dessert.So homemade cheesecake it was:  4 individual cheesecakes (2 marble chocolate and 2 regular flavor).  I also wanted to share the cheer, so I baked several dozen sugar cookies and gingerbread cutouts for our neighbors.  These were also my trial batches for the gingerbread cutouts that I was going to make for my in-laws we were spending Christmas in western MD, about an hour from Morgantown, WV.

 

Since I was going to be gone for most of my winter vacation we decided to not do a real tree (Frazier firs are my favorite), so I raided the local thrift store (The Clubhouse Shop) and Walmart for simple holiday decorations so that the flat wouldn't seem so barren.  This was the first year I've ever done stockings and we had four:  two big red ones and two kiddie ones for the doggies.  Yes, and even though our "kids" are our dogs, they mean just as much to us as if we'd had kids in the house.  At least we know right now, we are not ready for that kind of commitment:  children.  But I digress..

I was able to find a Christmas ornament stand and used it to hang our annual coffee house ornaments:  a total of 3, one for every Christmas M + I have been together. 

dining table turned into a cookie-decorating station

Once M arrived to St. Louis, our home was prepared for a simple yet warm Christmas celebration.  There wasn't any snow to make it a "White Christmas," but it was still special.  I have to say that this Christmas was the first time I've watched almost every traditional and "B"-rated Christmas movie that cable TV was showing.  For some reason, I wanted to truly soak-up everything Christmas.  I think being married and Dad being sick this past year, reminded me of how precious these holiday times with family and close friends are.  Additionally, it helped me to get into the 'right' Christmas spirit for my husband's arrival to St. Louis.

our yearly Christmas coffee ornaments: 3 Christmases together

I went all out with our dinner:  casual silverware setting and even color-coordinated charges for our flatware.  The good silver was put out as well as candles and linen.  I was honestly excited to share our first Christmas dinner as husband + wife and wanted to make sure it was extra, EXTRA special for M.

After dinner, we opened presents (ours and for the dogs).  M was so clever to purchase the first 2 seasons of his favorite sitcom, "Spartacus," as a present to us from our dogs.  I was quite clear with M that we needed to not be extravagant about gifts this year since we wanted to buy gifts for both sides of our families.  Being an unemployed graduate student and with a husband still working back East, I was quite strict about our Christmas shopping budget, except when it came to M:  I still wanted to get him presents that would mean a lot to him.  I guess that's what happens when people get married:  they still want to give the absolute best for each other, even if it means a personal sacrifice.

what the party planning book calls a 'casual silverware place setting'

After we cleaned-up the kitchen and took out all the Christmas wrapping garbage out to the bins, we were on a mission to do last minute packing prior to leaving at 5am the next morning.  It was going to be a long drive (approximately 800 miles) to M's hometown for his folks' Christmas festivities.  In the back of my mind, I was anxious. VERY anxious...and this is why:

me: 'honey, i didn't know our dogs could go shopping and wrap presents'

M's uncle and his uncle's family were never accepting of me or my religious background or the fact that M was marrying me.  Last Christmas (M + I had just been engaged), his uncle and his uncle's folks snubbed me the entire Christmas dinner.  It sucks that during a very boisterous dinner, not one of his uncle's family members spoke to me and I ended-up chatting it up with M's grandmother who sat next to me.  I felt so ostracized and secluded and cried my eyes out when M + I returned to his mom's house where we were staying.  Uncle J and his family expressed their 'disappointment' in a very passive aggressive way:  they would say "hi" to me (merely because I was there) but would later refuse to attend our wedding shower and wedding (both held in MD).  I felt horrible but even worse for M because he was so close to Uncle J.  I hate that our marriage was causing a rift between them, but in the end, M chose me and 'us.'  Eventually, Uncle J had 'apologized' (in so many words.  Remember:  they are passive aggressive) to M, but he or his family has never breathed an "I'm sorry" to me and didn't even provide a simple excuse to 'missing' our wedding.  In the end, the expectation of me was to brush it under the rug and forget it.  That's it.  As if nothing happened and that was my duty to do so.  In reaction, I've never yelled "BuLL****" louder.  Knowing that M + I would be spending Christmas with his folks (and his uncle and their brood), made me quite anxious and resentful for how they had treated me the previous year and throughout 2011.  This was a big pill to swallow, even as a Christian woman (hey.  I never said I was perfect).

We FINALLY got to my mom-in-law's house, 14 hours later.  After an exhausted drive, we crashed (hard) and fell asleep in M's old childhood bedroom.  We attended church the next morning and just relaxed for the rest of Christmas Eve with M, mom-in-law and sis-in-law (and the 5 dogs that we had at the house).

my Christmas card from my hunny

Christmas morning, I finished the batch of gingerbread cutouts and decorated them for the in-laws.  I'm glad they didn't turn out too bad, though some of them were quite soft and kept on 'losing' heads, arms, legs and torsos when picked-up from the wire rack.  The 'highly-anticipated' (more like, 'highly-dreaded') Christmas lunch at M's grandparents' home was going to happen in the early afternoon.  We were awaiting M's brother and his family to arrive from lower MD and I wasn't planning to head down early to the house (where Uncle J and his troop) were already at.  I'm not a masochist for punishment (again).  I promised M that if they were going to be as rude as last year's Christmas, I was going to walk out from the table.  Literally.  My exit plan was the following:  Fold my napkin, turn to Grandma M and kindly thank her for the meal and leave, not looking back.  I wasn't messing around this time or settling for Uncle J and his entourage's poor social skills (i.e., being rude).  I'd come to far as an adult and woman to be treated like that by them.  Especially them.

Lunch finally happened and, of course, I was civil to all.  I suppose warmer to M's grandparents.  M noticed that I delivered a curt "Merry Christmas" to Uncle J, but at least I spoke to him, right?  I could've completely ignored him when I arrived, like one of Uncle J's children had done in the past.  I made my round of hugs and greetings to most all (thank God that was over with) and we finally sat down to eat.  I was at the same area as last year:  between M and his grandma.  I was praying (in my head) that this wasn't going to be a repeat of last year's dinner.  At least for M's family's sake.

batch #2 of gingerbread cutouts at in-laws in western Maryland

The meal came and went.  Uneventful.  There were two tables:  the larger one (where M + I sat) seated 19 people, while the smaller one seated the rest of the 5 people.  M's cousins mostly sat together in the smaller table while the M's nephews stayed with their parents at the bigger table.  The insanity of Christmas gift opening was to ensue shortly thereafter.  And trust me:  it was INSANE.  For a moment during the chaotic gift opening, I sat next to Grandpa M and he said, "there are several different conversations going on in this [living] room but I don't think anyone understands what anyone is saying."  I laughed and we both sat back and watched the insanity of M's eldest nephew wanting to 'help' open everyone's present or M's cousins sharing a couch and laughing amongst themselves.  And this is where the passive-aggressive behavior gets to me:  Uncle J and his family got M + I gifts, yet they still refuse to address the freakin' white elephant in the room:  "THEY BOYCOTTED OUR WEDDING + MARRIAGE! WHAT THE HELL??!?"  I won't lie:  I ate his aunt's homemade cookies, said a gracious 'thank-you' to all of them; but I gave most everything else away to other people.  M + I did get Uncle J's family something for Christmas from Williams-Sonoma because we felt like it was the 'right thing to do.'  In hindsight, we should've gone somewhere else for the gift rather than a high-end cooking store.  I can't stand fakeness, from myself or from anyone else.  I hate pretending that things are hunky-dory between M's folks and me and even more so, the expectation that I need to forget.  I'm not a kept woman (M knows that) and I think other people need to understand that as well:  I will do my best to be civil, but don't expect me to be overtly friendly.  I did enough of 'acting' in the ER as if I gave a crap for belligerent patients who attempted to attack me (e.g., with fist, kick, or steak knife).  In places like that, I have to protect myself, then protect the patient.  As far as Uncle J's family is concerned, God is going to have to work on my heart and demeanor to accept the fact that they will never apologize to me or act like they deserve my forgiveness.  I'm not exactly there yet with the 'forgetting' part; but I'm open to the forgiveness notion.  After all, how can God forgive me if I can't do the same for others?

post-Christmas snow

Later on Christmas Day, we visited M's dad (his parents are divorced) and it was nice to sit in on listening to M + his dad reminisce about old times.  M's older brother was going to come along so that M's eldest nephew could meet his grandfather, but they decided not to.  M's siblings rarely talk to their dad (for understandable reasons), but I'm grateful that M still maintains contact with his dad.  Regardless of what 'dung hit the fan' in the past (trust me:  I understand that parent-child relationships can be a mess), M still wants to maintain open communication with his father.  I wish I were more like M:  he has the beyond saintly-capacity to forgive people.  It just feels weird having to 'hide' the fact that we were visiting with M's dad from his grandparents (apparently 'old sins' never die).  Christmas Day came to an end and we retired back to mom-in-law's house.  I was emotionally, mentally and physically wiped-out.  I wanted to sleep next to my husband...for a very LONG time.

CheL-CheL enjoying fresh snow in woods of in-laws back property

It snowed that week I spent with my in-laws: after Christmas Day and after New Year's.  It was an interesting week of spending it with just mom-in-law and sis-in-law...and our 5 dogs.  M had to go back down to DC for work that week but would return for New Year's Eve or NYE.  Initially we had wanted to spend NYE in NYC, but I felt that we could do better:  stay with his folks and cook NYE dinner for his mom & grandparents.  We decided on steamed asparagus, veal marsala (for everyone except me) over fettuccine, and homemade apple dumplings + ice cream for dessert.  The marsala seasoning was a disaster (the local grocery store did not have dry marsala), but everything else was fine.  Even if the dumplings opened-up while they were baking, it still tasted delicious and we ended-up finishing it all the following day.  After NYE dinner, we played board games and 15 minutes before midnight, we headed down to the grandparents' home to ring the big school-size bell in the front yard at midnight and ate more (e.g., cheese & crackers, sparkling apple cider, grapes, apples slices) to welcome the new year.  I'm sure M's grandparents weren't impressed by my cooking (the darn marsala-substitution was a bloody disaster!), but I think they appreciated it that we chose to cook and share our NYE dinner with them.

The day after New Year's, M + I said our goodbyes and headed down south to where we would be staying together for the next few days at my cousin's house close to DC, prior to my trip to see my folks in CA that same week.  My time with the in-laws (without M being present) was educational and fun.  My mom-in-law is very thoughtful and motherly while I enjoyed listening to the grandparents' stories (e.g., grandpa M's wicked sense of humor is undeniable).  Spending time with M's grandparents made me miss my own and mom-in-law's presence made me miss Mom even more.  I would miss my time with M, but I was definitely ready for a trip out to warmer, sunnier, palm tree-lined, Filipino hospitality:  my parents' home in CA.

ellie on top of one of her presents:  doggie blanket from 'daddy'