some things i learned during our 1st year

civil ceremony picture at city hall: 2.11.2011

february 11th last  year (also Dad's birthday), we hauled our butts to the Hagerstown, mD city hall from Baltimore-Washington Int'l airport to do our civil ceremony a month before our church wedding.  in attendance were both moms and a good friend of mine, T and her daughter.  it felt kinda strange to say the generic vows that we repeated after the county clerk in the inky-dinky room they do all their civil ceremonies.  i don't know if it was my nerves or the size of the place because i felt almost claustrophobic.  plus, my voice cracked when i repeated the vows to M.  i suppose it was practice for our church wedding; but still...it felt exciting, a little overwhelming and yet euphoric to be pronounced 'man and wife.'  at the time, i think i was overwhelmed with grad school, planning a wedding, and living so far away from my then-fiance.  one year later, i've learned several things about what it really means to be that:  man and wife.
1.  you not only need to love each other, but LIKE each other as well

where we celebrated feb. 2011

one year later, we found ourselves celebrating a more low-key feb. 11th (civil) anniversary since we wanted to focus more on Dad's "big one" birthday in Calif.  we had thrown ourselves a little get-together with friends the week before, so we weren't going to make a big deal about our 1-year.  but even if that was the case, M + i still knew that we had a milestone under our belt:  after living mostly apart during our 1st year of marriage, we still made it!  most importantly, we still really REALLY like each other after the fantasy, planning  & hoopla of a 'destination' wedding back East.  the excitement of a wedding day is thrilling, but what's more important are the day-to-day things that make the 'us' cohesive.

anniversary collage made by M

my bridal bouquet at city hall from mom-in-law

2.  sometimes it's best when my husband ignores what comes out of my mouth
after a wonderful weekend of sailing, being with family, and eating lots of scrumptious food, at the end of the day, all i wanted to do was kiss my husband.  we told each other that there would not be any anniversary gifts since we have been saving for our belated honeymoon, but there were beautiful cards for our 1-year celebration and for V-day.  M also made this beautiful collage of our little family along with a map of our honeymoon destinations, including a travel guide of ItaLy, to add to my overflowing travel book collection at home.  M doesn't always listen to me, but i love it when he doesn't, especially when it involves gifts.  me = s-p-o-i-l-e-d.
3.  marriage is more than just a 'piece of legal paperwork'
i hate it when he leaves.  though we've seen each other every weekend this month (a whopping THREE times!!), it just doesn't seem enough.  yup, i'm the first to complain that living apart sucks; but we both realize it's this short-term, heart-wrenching sacrifice we have to make for a better future.  i cry every time we have to do the goodbyes to each other.  with this past year's stressful events, the physical distance between us, and everything else included in getting adjusted as a married couple vs. a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  when people tell you that 'they mean the same thing,' they're lying or don't know what they're talking about:  it's not the same.  i've been in long-distance relationships before, but nothing compares to what M + i are doing now.  marriage means so much more:  you make decisions based on 'us' versus just 'me.'  you are accountable not only to yourself but to your spouse.  what you do personally affects your husband or wife.  like i said, it's not the same.  yeah, there are legal ramifications associated with marriage, but what this institution is much greater than what a piece of paper says.
4.  compromise
don't get me wrong:  it's not all rose-colored glasses, people.  we argue about the 'usual marriage stuff' and we make-up.  we have pet peeves, but we continue to strive on replenishing our reserves of patience.  we continually admit how imperfect we are as people; but the beautiful thing about being married to the right person is that at the end of the day, you continue to work on listening, laughing, forgiving and loving.  

messing around at Sushi House, Alameda, CA

don't get me wrong:  it's not all rose-colored glasses, people.  we argue about the 'usual marriage stuff' and we make-up.  we have pet peeves, but we continue to strive on replenishing our reserves of patience.  we continually admit how imperfect we are as people; but the beautiful thing about being married to the right person is that at the end of the day, you continue to work on listening, laughing, forgiving and loving.  that's the honest truth.  our 'honeymoon phase' was short-lived with the personal trials M + i have gone through together this past year.  it's no one's fault, really.  crap happens.  if you continue to lie to yourself and think that being married is some kind of fantasy with well-mannered kids, trained dogs, a constantly smiling wife and a husband who always remembers to take the trash out, you are so misled.  a strong and happy marriage takes lots of work.  granted, you can't do it on your own strength, so that's why i pray all the time.  if left to my own devices, i'd demand 'my way' for most decisions.  but you can't do that if you're married.  compromise is a must in any family, especially in those difficult conversations with your spouse.  you may feel (even for a split second) that you are 'losing out,' but when it's all said and done, you both win.

5.  don't take yourself too seriously
those who personally know me, know that i'm generally a Type A, serious person.  i didn't really have my own 'inside jokes,' until i met M.  my husband makes me laugh, even when i'm upset or angry:  through my tears, i end up LOL-ing when M purposefully says something funny.  when we first started dating, i found his humorous comments annoying when i was upset.  i thought, 'why isn't he not comforting me?'  as the years have gone by, we've learned more about each other:  he gets uncomfortable when i get teary-eyed (regardless of the reason) and i need to be held when i get the waterworks going or i raise my voice because i'm pissed.  after the 3 years of practicing (& getting to know each other), we've figured out our niche:  he hugs me when i cry and i calm down and laugh when M cracks a joke.  both our needs get met:  he gets to practice his stand-up comedy and i relax. i've learned to laugh more at myself and with M than i have with any other person in this world.  it's a good thing i ended-up with him.
6.  you cannot forget about God
one of the things that decorate our STL bedroom is a shadowbox of our handwritten/typed-out wedding vows we both wrote to say (promise) to each other on our wedding day.  the common theme in both of our vows is God.  M + i realize we suck at being perfect individuals.  we don't have the know-how or expertise to be just that.  and what a disaster our marriage would be if both of us (independent adults, use to doing we personally please) didn't take into account that there is a 3rd Entity in our marriage:  Jesus.  i know, many of you may not be religious or spiritual, but this is what M + i have found as 'glue' to our marriage:  our faith.  every morning when i wake up to seeing those vows on the wall, i am reminded of what my human promise as a wife means minus God = nothing. zilch.  we may not remember to do our Bible studies or Love Dare together every day, but we continue to pray for ourselves and each other.  the 'us' would never had made it through the rubbish we've had to battle this past year without Jesus in our home and in our lives.  that's really our 'secret.'  and that's always enough.